Our Traditions

My children have told this story every year for as long as we had 2^nd graders.

In our school district, second graders had the assignment to write about their family memories during the holidays. Many times we don’t get to read these essays until they are completed, graded, and returned home. But in 1990, we went to our son’s school for a holiday assembly and to our surprise, he had written that his greatest holiday memory was getting to use “glass” plates and cups for dinner. I was a little embarrassed by this disclosure, but went on to the concert and soon forgot about the essay.

When we finally got home, we asked him what he meant by the glass plates and cups. He told us that all he ever got to use was paper plates and cups and it was fun to use “glassware”. Being a foster family, it was easier to use paper plates and cups for the main meal. We never knew who would be at dinner at any given time.  

 In 1996, my husband and I attended a school function at our daughters’ elementary school. At the time we had two daughters in second grade and two in first grade. Before entering the first of two second grade classrooms, we stopped to look at the essays hanging outside the door. The heading was “Our Family Holiday Traditions”. As we started reading one of our daughter’s essay, we were shocked to learn that she thought it was wonderful during the holidays to eat off of “real” plates and drink from “real” cups.

 By now we were a household of 11, having adopted 6 children over the years so using paper plates and cups were the norm for our evening meals. So off we went to the next daughter’s classroom. I was horrified to see that she had written almost the same thing. The next year, there for everyone to read, were two more essays penned by our daughters about how fun it was to use glass plates and cups.

 Lo and behold, the tradition continued with essays in 2002 and 2003 by our sons. So as traditions go, we have firmly established the use of glassware during our holiday meals and we are proud of it.

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December 19, 2010

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Rocky Road

Well it has been a rocky road. One of my daughter’s is not doing well. She is pregnant, off her mental health medicines, homeless, and in a psych hospital. I am having a hard time getting the professionals to get on board with having her committed to a state hospital or to a group home until she has the baby and get back on her meds. They only call me when they are in crisis with her.

To add another layer of stress, we learned that birth mom was “pimping” her out for drug money. Her current boyfriend is one of her johns. He is as unstable as she is. He has guns in the house, very anxious about everything, and he pushes into her anxiety.

 I tried to get legal guardianship, but I have been fired again as her mom again. Oh well. Now that the holidays are upon us, the drama will get worse. She will go back to birth mom because she will want to be with family, only to be kicked out a few days later, after the apeearances are no longer needed, and she will be homeless again.

There is no way that my daughter will be able to care for this infant. Even if she does find a stable partner, she is incapable of having any meaningful relationship with anyone before her anxieties and attachemnt issues play out, destroying any normalcy she may have. I am torn between taking my grandchild so that he or she may have a good life, or having birth family get involved and watching as this child ends up in the system. I made a promise to my husband that I would not take in any grandchildren, but this may be a promise I can not keep.

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November 28, 2010

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To be in the spotlight

I have heard from my children, being in the spot light is embarrassing since they do not understand the social cues, innuendos, and do not want to be seen as stupid or imcompetent. Practice is the only thing that would help in this situation. We practice how to say hello to someone, how to answer a phone, what to do if someone tells a joke. You would be surprised at how much has to be taught to a child with organic brain damage. Things that other children pick up from their surroundings are not learned by my children.

They also are very athletic, but cannot learn the plays like the other kids, especially in basketball where plays have to be learned not just for one person, but for the whole team. Softball and baseball were much easier sports. My husband or I were always coach or assistant coach so we could help the kids with understanding the game but also the social interactions needed to be part of the team.

My daughter was the hatchet man on the basketball team. She was put in to “get the ball” when the team was behind and to get it into the basket any way possible. This worked for her and many times she became the star of the team because in the last period, she would be put in and her antics sometimes helped to win the game. Practices during the week were brutal for her because she could not learn the plays. But she got her varsity letters in basketball and softball and the whole experience help her self-esteem.

Another daughter was never off academic probation to be on a team, until she went to a day treatment program and it didn’t matter what her grades were. She only played against one team and there was no real training. Worked for her.

My son is too anxious to be part of the team. One, verbal directions are not his strong suit and two he is so afraid of being seen as stupid or weird, he won’t venture out for anything.

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November 21, 2010

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Ownership and FASD

For years we dealt with our kids not understanding ownership. The concept is a higher level of learning that many of my children didn’t understand due to the prenatal alcohol exposure.  So we work in “prevention mode” to ensure our children do not get into trouble and that others are protected

When they were young, we did the following things when going to a store:
1. Pants with no pockets or pocket sewn shut
2. Short sleeve shirt and no pockets on the chest
3. Jacket had to come off so they wouldn’t get too hot
4. Holding onto the side of the cart
As they got older, we did “hands in your pockets” as a way of avoiding anyone touching an object and finding it in their possession. Store keepers would be pleased that my children kept their hands in their pockets and would be rewarded for “good behavior” with a pencil or piece of candy. When all this failed, that child would stay home.

For school, the children would have clear book bags or no book bag at all. We would ask the school for a complete set of books for our home for each child so the children didn’t need a book bag. (also there was no excuse that they forgot their homework books). This worked well right into high school.

Again we needed to think prevention, but we also needed to teach ownership so the kids could understand it. When someone has organic brain damage due to an alcohol exposed pregnancy, abstract concepts like ownership need to be taught and re-taught. So each child had a different color for their supplies, like red pencils, pens, binders, folders, etc. Then each child knew exactly which supplies were theirs. This worked great when one of the kids would come home with a different color pencils or calculator. We knew it did not belong to that child and it could be returned. We also stop many of fights at home over who owned which pen.

This is still something my children struggle with as they hit adolescent and young adulthood, but it has gotten so much better. The person always gets caught because there is no future planning. My children live in the moment. That guilty person must pay restitution, this would happen in society, and the victim gets to pick a punishment for a consequence. Many times doing that person’s chore is the sentence. But it has worked for us.

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November 4, 2010

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FASD, a birthday gift

Did you know that fetal alcohol spectrum disorders or FASD is the #1 leading cause of preventable mental retardation in the USA today? Did you know that fetal alcohol spectrum disorders are more prevalent than down syndrome or spinal bifida?

I am a true believer that one should give back. My husband and I were foster parents for over 20 years and eventually adopted 6 children. After struggling with the Department of Social Services and community resources, we finally found the answer to the behavioral and cognitive issues we were seeing in our children. My children were all diagnosed with varying degrees of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD).

 We have had to become experts in the field of FASD just for my family to survive. There is a lack of understanding about the disorder and there are still doctors out there that are telling their pregnant moms that it is OK to drink. After watching my family struggle, I would never want any mother to think it is OK to drink during her pregnancy. We have first hand knowledge of the social and emotional issues, cognitive delays and a total lack of comprehensive services here in the United States, the riches country in the world.

Please, lend us a hand getting the word out that FASD is 100% preventable and that those affected by FASD should have the services they need to live a quality life. My children did not have to have this birthday gift of FASD. Please help us spead the word.

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October 13, 2010

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About my children

There are several things I tell parents about my children with FASD. First is that each child is different, as evidence by my six children, all who have varying degrees of FASD. Each child receives different services and interventions. What we have found is that there are core issues that all six children have.

Prevention is the best policy. We are vigilant to stop any meltdowns or behavioral issues before they happen. We need to know what our children’s triggers are and try to avoid those situations or to lessen what might happen by manipulating the environment to best suit the child.

For example, each child has sensory issues that require different interventions. We found that once our children’s sensory issues were met, we lessen the amount of meltdowns they had. We also lessened the amount of meds they needed.

Also, each child requires an IEP that is fashioned specifically for that individual child. It is best to know your child intimately, and not try to do a blanket generalized IEP. Also, I always tried to pull in someone who work with my child everyday in school to help me to describe the special issues I was trying to address. Sometimes it was the one-to-one aid, other it may have been the building principal.

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October 5, 2010

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My family

A few years ago my kids and I went to Plattsburg for the People First Forum. The People First Foirum was a public town hall meeting where members of the community coul d ask questions of the commissioners of Department of Mentla Health, Department of Mental Retardationa and Developmental Disabilities (now Office for People with Developemtnal Disabilities) and the commissioner from The Office of Alcohol and Sunstance Abuse Services.

It took us three hours to drive from our home and we waited 4 hours before we were asked to speak. I thought this would be a wonderful way for my children to see how others stood up for what they believed in and to learn how to advocate for themselves.

Well my children did a wonderful job presenting their questions and adding their personal touches. My one daughter cried as she spoke of the hardships she had in school and how she would like to see more college supports for individuals with disabilities so they do can get a higher education and be prepared to enter the workforce.

After the forum many people came up to congratulate them on the wonderful job they did. Even my Jacob, who struggles to read and usually rages when under stress, read his question, with a little support for me. Afterwards he told me that he felt like he had helped people and it made him feel good. I was so surprised that “HE GOT IT”.

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children advocating in NYS

October 4, 2010

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FASD

Hi, my name is Dianne and I am the mom of nine children, six children with significant developemtnal disabilities due to prenatal alcohol exposure. I hope to be able to vent, educate, and learn from others about how best to help my family and in return, help others.

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October 4, 2010

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